Virtual Open Mic: Jillian Derksen

For Avery's 13th I put the lyrics to "I hope you dance" and boy has she done that?! that girl
takes part in EVERYTHING and thinks for herself from the time she sets a foot on the floor in
the morning to the time she pulls up the covers to go to sleep at night. She's actually been a
huge role model for me lately. I'm stunned by her healthy self esteem and ability to think for
herself.

I spent my teen years trying desperately to either fit in perfectly or disappear completely. I
simply had no self esteem and I SO wish I did. My behavior in that regard was atrocious and I
would like to have been able to have seen it for what it was. My huge, lumpy scars were more
than I could take. I couldn't (still can't) wrap my head around making any effort to be accepted for how I was then. My scars have flattened and look much better now. Back then they were intolerable. Absolutely off the charts intolerable. Like circus side show freak quality and I'm not exaggerating at all. I just wanted to, at the very least be ignored. But not even that could happen. People asked me constantly what happened to my neck (even though I wore turtlenecks 24/7) they could tell I was hiding. I felt like I was hiding. You know that feeling, that you might be found out at any moment, the dread you feel....24/7/365. It was horrendous beyond words.

I couldn't then and I can't now see any other way I could have dealt with it. People in my high
school weren't "nice" in the traditional sense. If they saw an opportunity to pounce, they did,
aggressively. I just wanted to survive without being ripped to shreds. My childhood I was in a
state of near constant battle stress levels. I know this has had an effect on me. I likely have
C-PTSD from it all. Not to mention any other childhood stresses that were still there and
happening on top of all of that. It was really really hard and I wish I'd had an adult to look out for me and teach me how to navigate such a horrendous time with grace and dignity. I had neither. I suppose I need to look back and celebrate the things I DID do right? But I can't really see those things? I made friends with the "mean girls" in the spirit of "if you can't beat em join em" I basically HAD to be friends with them to survive, at least that's how I saw it then. I wish I had the courage to be friends with the people I actually liked. Callie was in my French class and we laughed SO much together. I wish I'd been friends with her outside of French. I bet we'd still be friends today.

I think I saw the world, back then as much meaner than it actually was. I was always on guard,
always ready for a fight. Some of this comes from my dad who I believe acted similarly. I think
he must have been bullied in his boarding school. His world is scary and violent and to be
defended too.
As an adult I can see that was merely the lens I was looking through at the time. My kids look
through an entirely different lens. They expect kindness and to belong. It's a given for them.
They expect things to go well and to be accepted and liked as far as I can tell. Same with Ryan. If I could have just accepted myself, maybe others could too? I have no idea because I couldn't accept myself as I was. I WISH with all my heart they would have sedated me or put me under and just injected the ever loving crap out of the scar on my neck, maybe monthly until it was tamed and flat. I know that then I could have had a real smile on my face instead of the one I pasted there to try and convince others I was ok when I was nowhere near ok for many many years. They actually did that for the scar on my shoulder during one of my skin expander surgeries. They injected the ever loving crap out of my shoulder scar and it made a HUGE difference. It itched less and it flattened out beautifully. I never felt I could ask for what I wanted. I assumed I would be laughed at or ignored. Maybe I wouldn't have been. For me that would have been a life line. I used to sit in my room and get corrosive cleaning products and spray them on my scar in the hopes it would be eaten away. It hurt, but I didn't care. I couldn't live like that. But I had to. I don't think most people understand that level of feeling trapped. I don't think most people have any idea the inner strength it takes to carry on in the face of disfigurement and to make yourself a life you can tolerate. Do I want more people to understand this? Absolutely not. But I would like credit for what I've been through and how I've survived it. I'm a warrior and no one knows it but me. I watched silently as other teens complained about their acne or their bad haircut. I lived in a body I couldn't escape. There was no help, no cure and it was more than I could tolerate on many days. I disassociated most days. That song by Radiohead "how to disappear completely" really hits the nail on the head for me. -I'm not here, that's not me, this isn't happening often pretended things that were happening weren't actually happening. I would float off in my head to the upper right corner and observe from a distance. I often wouldn't respond to people asking me outrageous questions, simply because I wasn't there. They would ask if I was mute.
If I heard them....I had. I had chosen to leave. It was intolerable. Parents would ask with there
little kids in tow "what happened to you" expecting me to advocate and teach there children for them. I was a child myself. I left. I walked away. They looked offended. they said things like
"see Bobby, that's why you don't play with matches" within ear shot of me. But I wasn't there
anyways. at the pool I would walk away, jump in, go to the bottom and scream as loud as I
could. absolutely no one in my life understood what it was to navigate life as me. In this
horrendous suit I couldn't escape or identify with in any way. I would swim away, pretending to be swimming just off shore of some beautiful deserted island where no one could see me. or judge me or ask me inappropriate questions and get mad when a child couldn't advocate on there own behalf.

I didn't have help as a kid with any of this. My parents didn't talk to me about my scars. I wasn't taken to see a counselor. I was expected to pull up my socks and get on with it like anybody else. So I tried. But I kept getting reminded of how I was NOT like anybody else. It was decidedly alienating. Especially when that's all your trying to do or be. How could I pull up my socks when it felt like I was constantly getting up and being pushed back down before I could right myself fully? What an odd childhood I had. I don't think most people realize the privilege of being able to walk into a room, take a seat and to not be noticed. Anonymity is all I ever wanted. I didn't want to be special in any way. I wanted to blend in. To not be noticed, to not stick out like a sore thumb. It never happened. As an adult I've embraced it, finally. I walk into a room, scars out and laugh to myself and watch people squirm. I genuinely enjoy this now. I know I have skills and life experience these people never will and that's to be celebrated. After all this has to all be for a reason doesn't it?! Are we not here to learn life skills and to feel feelings? Maybe not. But if not, then why any of this? Why? Why me? Why this?

My assumption as a child was that I was being punished for being a bad person in a past life.
This is what the child brain comes up with when you don't talk to them or put them in therapy (FYI). I was inherently bad or else this wouldn't have happened. People without scars or visible differences were inherently good. Pretty people were the best, the favored ones. I was a grunt and meant to be a grunt as punishment. I wondered as a kid if this punishment would last my whole life or just part of it? I believed, back then that my childhood would be hard, so very hard and awful but then I would somehow over come all of it, learn my lesson, finally be good enough and then I would be set free. If I was good enough I would be honored and blessed just like those other people eventually. I wouldn't say this was an entirely conscious belief, but it was there, underlying everything. I thought maybe If I became Christian then I would be good enough, clean enough and then god would finally favor me....Nope. I became a nurse to live my life in the service of others after all they were all better than me and it was my job to help them, selflessly and all the time. Did that end up making me good enough? Nope. It turns out lots of people hate nurses! hahaha! But some people look up to us, or are thankful for what we do and that feels nice. It also takes me out of my own head and gets me to focus on others and I think that in some ways has saved my life on multiple occasions. My work as an adult has been to un-learn the negative beliefs I had about myself, that lead to how self esteem. I watch my son and daughter go to school and it's not a living hell for them. they have this self esteem inherently. I'm 45. This could have been dealt with sooner. But it wasn't. I guess in some way I did disappear completely at least in my own family. never to be seen again.