Understanding How to Respond to "Sorry" After a Burn Incident or Loss

Survivors may not initially recognize but burn injuries can cause psychological wounds that may reframe how they interact with others. Furthermore, those without a burn injury may not know what to say or how best to support you during your recovery and beyond.   

"I'm Sorry" 

Loss after a burn injury can come in many forms, including the loss of family, property, or even your self-identity. Loss can be difficult for people outside of the situation to understand, and they may not know the best way to support or sympathize with you. It is common to hear “I’m sorry” as a reaction to your trauma or loss. Sorry can mean feeling sorrow or sympathy, or it can mean feeling regret or repentance, which can feel “off” and weird to hear. It can seem surface level – how can they understand the depth of feeling you are going through?   

How to respond when someone says sorry for your loss?  

As your first step, remind yourself that the person saying sorry likely does not know how best to express sympathy or comfort you. In most cases, they did not mean to hurt or pity you with their phrasing and probably did not realize that they might have made you upset and uncomfortable.   

Michelle Lauren Anderson and Alexi Pyles talk about their feelings and reaction to phrases like "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" in their article on microinvalidation, microinsult, and microassaults. No one likes to hear someone lay on sympathy or be turned into a sad story instead of being recognized for their whole person. Experiences make us what we are, and it is valid to want that to be acknowledged.   

If their comment hurts you and you feel comfortable, help to educate them. This, in turn, can help them better respond to similar situations in the future. You can help by sharing that before someone says“I’m sorry,” consider asking yourself these questions: 

• Are my words belittling the recipient or possibly causing them to feel smaller? 

• Will this help them feel understood and heard? 

• Am I patronizing them or acting condescending?  

Being pitied is uncomfortable – are you less than what you were before the burn? The answer is a resounding no – you are not less than what you were before. You are not a victim but a survivor; reminding people how pity feels can make all the difference. Promote empathy, awareness, and understanding in your response to being sorry for your loss. 

Is it bad to say thank you when someone says condolence or condolences?  

No, it is not. This can be a simple and effective way to respond. Behind the message of condolences or sorry is the acknowledgment that they cannot know how you feel about the loss or grief. Losing a family member or beloved pet is devastating, and likely the person wants to say that they are thinking of you. You can reply with a simple thank you, or you can elaborate based on your level of comfort as to how to thank someone when they say sorry for your loss.  

What if you hear “I’m sorry” from a stranger? 

This can be harder to handle, especially if you are putting yourself back out there after your initial treatment.Let’s say you walk into a store or public place, and you can feel attention on you. Another handy strategy can be to use what Barbara Kammerer Quayle, burn survivor, calls Rehearse Your Response (RYR). This strategy entails memorizing a few sentences you can use and reuse to address the situation.  

People might ask, "What happened?" or unconsciously dig in, letting their curiosity overcome their manners. As Barbara puts it, "Strangers are human beings doing the best they can, and some just do it with more grace than others."  Rehearsing how to respond when someone says sorry for your loss can help you take charge of your reply. 

What can I do to reply with confidence? 

It is normal to be anxious about getting back out there. It can take time and experience to become comfortable accepting "I'm sorry" or other questions and comments about your burn. Do not be overcritical of yourself during the process. 

With the help of Phoenix Society’s “Getting Back Out There: Tools for Social Empowerment” course, you'll be able to identify skills to feel comfortable in social situations, learn about rehearsing your response to strangers, and feel better about how to manage conversations about your injury.