Grief + Loss During Covid-19

Any type of loss can trigger grief...

The global pandemic we are experiencing has created a new reality that is marked by loss. These losses are felt by us as individuals and by us as a collective human race. Many of the losses we are experiencing now are tragic – the loss of people, health, milestones, jobs, and financial security. But there are other losses occurring that need to be recognized:

• Loss of a normal, predictable routine

• Loss of safety, freedom

• Loss of a traditional school experience

• Loss of summer events – like burn camps

• Loss of special events like weddings, proms, graduations, games, concerts….Phoenix World Burn Congress

Grief is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss or change of any kind. It is important to feel this and not brush it aside. We grieve the loss of the things we care about – and grief is how loss heals (1).

Types of Grief

We usually associate grief with individual loss, but grief can take on many forms. There are a few we are hearing more about right now.

Collective Grief

• Sense of loss felt by a group of people

• Grieving the loss of normalcy, the loss of connection, the loss of safety

Anticipatory Grief

• It’s the feeling we get about what the future holds when we are uncertain – and lack control

• An uneasy sense that more loss is still to come

Ambiguous Grief

• Grief related to a loss that we can’t quite explain or feel is worthy of feeling grief

• Psychologist Lauren Rockwell explains this type of grief and loss really well (2):

  • Ambiguous grief speaks to the loss of dreams and futures imagined — the loss of things hoped for and for feelings anticipated.

  • It’s the loss of things we looked forward to and the loss of things we dreamed about for years, over our lifetime, or even for just months.

  • These losses are often not validated, they are often not shared and they are lonely losses. These are the kind of losses people don’t show up with casseroles for. The kind we are sheepish to admit - BUT – these losses are real and it’s a really sad time.

  • You can be deeply sad and grieving, and simultaneously understand the need for the greater common good.

Feelings of Isolation

One of the greatest challenges of grieving during current events is the isolation required to manage the spread of the virus. Under normal circumstances, many people find grief leaves them feeling very isolated. These feelings can be amplified with the requirements of physical distancing and quarantine as our normal comfort and support systems are challenged. There are common slogans that remind us that we are in this together – but when we are grieving, it may not feel that way (3).

Signs of Grief

Grief can show up in many ways and can be different for each person.

Some signs that you might be coping with grief include (3):

• Trouble focusing on normal tasks

• Sleeping much more or less than usual

• Feelings of sadness, anger, and irritability

• Fatigue or low energy

Naming It

If we can name the feelings that we are experiencing right now, maybe we can manage it. Acknowledging that what we are feeling is grief is powerful – putting a name on it can help us feel it and move through it. It’s ok to say, “I feel sad” and feel sad. “If we allow the feelings to happen, they’ll happen in an orderly way, and it empowers us. Then we’re not victims.” (4)

Comparing Loss and Grief

In an interview with Brené Brown for her “Unlocking Us” podcast, grief expert David Kessler notes that we often compare our losses and grief to another’s but reminds us that grief cannot be ranked — the worst loss is always yours (5). Instead of comparing loss, it is more helpful to acknowledge the loss.

This can be very difficult – grief requires us to sit with our pain, to feel a kind of sadness that makes many of us so uncomfortable that we try to get rid of it . Instead of dismissing a child’s disappointment in missing burn camp this year because they should be thankful that they are safe and healthy – it is more helpful to acknowledge the disappointment, the loss, and the sadness that comes along with missing events.

“Just as our kids need to have their grief acknowledged, we need to acknowledge our own. We tend to mistake feeling less for feeling better, but it helps to remember that the feelings are still there — they’ll just come out in other ways: in an inability to sit still, in being short-tempered (which is especially problematic in close quarters), in a lack of appetite or a struggle to control one’s appetite, in an inability to concentrate or sleep.

The more we can say to ourselves and the people around us, “Yes, these are meaningful losses,” the more seen and soothed we will feel.” - Lori Gottlieb (6)

Additional Coping Strategies

Self Care: There are many resources available on our website and on the internet that describe a variety of self-care techniques. It is helpful to remember that self-care can also be a simple as making sure that you are eating (aiming for healthy options), staying hydrated, and getting rest.

Writing (or recording): Put your losses into words. Name what you are losing and how it is making you feel – identify a few ways to help you move forward and write those down. Michelle Lauren gave some great tips on journal writing that can help get you started.

Connection: While we may be physically distancing right now – we don’t have to be alone right now. There are many ways to stay connected to each other and to your community.

• Make a call – let that person know how you are feeling, listen to how they are feeling. Try to not to judge or fix each other feelings, there is power in sharing your story and listening to another’s.

• Join an online group – spaces that let us see, be playful, and laugh with one another are great for connection and healing alike!

• Join a drop-in or online get-together - sharing what’s going on with your day and connecting with others helps!

• Join a virtual support group - it helps to hear that what you’re going through is normal, and to see others smiling and nodding back when you share

How Children Cope

Children have varying capacities, both emotionally and intellectually, to comprehend, understand, and integrate the concepts of loss. This link has helpful considerations when talking to or working with different age groups.

Grief is not One-Size-Fits-All

It’s important to recognize that the losses you are experiencing are valid as are the losses that others are experiencing. It is important to allow ourselves to grieve in whatever way may work. Even the commonly referenced stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance, meaning) by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler are not meant to happen in any particular order. What we are feeling right now is normal and expected given the losses that are occurring. Give yourself and others permission to grieve and treat yourself and others with kindness.

Additional Resources

• https://www.phoenix-society.org/resources/coping-with-current-events

• https://comfortzonecamp.org/resources/

• https://www.snhu.edu/about-us/newsroom/2020/04/cancellations-and-covid-19

• https://themighty.com/2020/03/sad-about-first-world-problems-covid-19/

• https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief

• https://www.teenvogue.com/story/anticipatory-grief-coronavirus-crisis

• https://whatsyourgrief.com/ -- particularly: https://whatsyourgrief.com/its-not-selfish-to-grieve/

References

1. UCSF. Weill Institute for Neurosciences. Department of Psychiatry. Emotional Well-Being and Coping During COVID-19 n.d., accessed on 6 May 2020, <https://psychiatry.ucsf.edu/coronavirus/coping>

2. Rockwell, L 2020, Hey You: It’s OK to Grieve the ‘Small’ Things You’ve Lost During the COVID-19 Outbreak, The Mighty, accessed 6 May 2020, <https://themighty.com/2020/03/sad-about-first-world-problems-covid-19/>

3. Cherry, K 2020, Understanding Grief in the Age of the COVID-19 Pandemic, VeryWellMind, accessed 5 May 2020, <https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-grief-in-the-age-of-the-covid-19-pandemic-4801931#citation-2>

4. Berinato, S 2020, That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief, Harvard Business Review, accessed 5 May 2020, <https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief>

5. Brown, B. (Host). (2020, May 31). David Kessler and Brené on Grief and Finding Meaning. [Audio Podcast Episode]. In Unlocking Us. <https://brenebrown.com/podcast/david-kessler-and-brene-on-grief-and-finding-meaning/>

6. Gottlieb, L 2020. Grieving the Losses of Coronavirus – NY Times, Comfort Zone Camp, accessed 6 May 2020, <https://comfortzonecamp.org/resource/grieving-the-losses-of-coronavirus-ny-times/>