Ask the Experts: Dating

Ask the Experts...

Dear Burn Community, 

Welcome to "Ask the Experts," Journey Magazine's advice column. In this edition, we received very common questions that we often hear from our community about dating after a burn injury, helping child burn survivors thrive again, and laser treatments.

While every burn survivor's journey is different, there are many common themes and struggles our community faces throughout their journey. As we respond to your questions, we draw on our personal and professional experience to offer guidance and do our best to make it good advice.

Have a question? From handling grief to skin care and everything in between, we want to know what's on your mind. Submit your questions to resources@phoenix-society.org with the subject line "Ask the Experts." 

Sincerely, 

Felicia, Lise, Cindy

Question: Dating

Dear Experts,

I'm a few years post-injury and am finally ready to get back to dating! I'm on a few dating apps but do not have any photos showing my scars on my profile. How can I talk about my scars in a fun/witty way without diving too deep into my survivor story too quickly? I'm not ashamed to share my story, but I don't want that to be the only thing someone wants to talk about with me.

Bre

RESPONSE FROM Cindy Rutter

Dear Bre,

It's great that you are ready to get back out in the dating world and that you are on a few dating apps. Your question raises many different thoughts for me; however, since I have not been on a dating app, I decided to pose your question to a young burn survivor who met his wife on a dating app. They have been happily married for over ten years now and have three beautiful children.

He believes it’s a very individual decision how you disclose your survivor story and the pictures you post revealing any of your scars. Because he has a few scars on his face, he did have a few pictures that clearly showed his burns, though he didn’t share his story initially. Instead, he decided he would give a brief version if someone asked and would hold off on a deep discussion until he actually met someone with whom there was mutual interest. Like you, he wasn’t ashamed of his story—but he decided to be selective in who he shared it with, so he didn’t include anything in his profile regarding his burn story.

Your burn injury doesn’t define who you are as a woman, but it happens to be something you have experienced in your life. You are so much more than your burn story, so I would suggest sharing all the other wonderful things about yourself and the things you are interested in or your hobbies. I wish you the best of luck in your dating endeavors, and may you find what you are looking for in a relationship.

Cindy Rutter has been an advocate for Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors and involved in the burn community for more than 40 years. She recently completed her master’s degree to become a marriage and family therapist. Cindy has been a burn survivor for 64 years and is the former nurse manager of the burn unit in San Diego.