Alexi Pyles: Controlling the Internal Flames

This pandemic has caused me to do a lot of thinking. I lost one of my part time jobs, my graduate program switched to online schooling, shops are closed…yet again, and the ones that are open have long wait lines. This has become a time where I feel like a lot has been taken away from me.

It’s heartbreaking to see how in this time of crisis has divided people. Those who don’t believe in the virus to those who do; to wear a mask or not to wear a mask; to social distance or not to social distance; to attend a2 presidential campaigns or not to.
I definitely feel an increase in stress figuring out what I’m going to do next to keep myself safe and everyone I care about to be safe as well. Fortunately, with the number of shops closed, school online, and having to travel a couple miles to go to work, I have had a significant amount of time for myself.

In the evenings, I’ve been streaming Netflix, Hulu, and HBO as my way to decompress from the day. One film that I’ve been watching repeatedly is Hayao Miyazaki’s animation film, Howl’s Moving Castle. This film stuck out to me because of its intriguing symbolism and illustrations. I don’t want to give away any details, but the main character (Howl) mentions losing his heart. This comment hit pretty deep with me as I had felt a similar way for quite some time.

I was burned at a very young age and both of my parents left me right after. I truly believed that my burns were the reason for my parents leaving me. And my burns being right on top of my heart, I thought it burned that as well. I have memories of telling my adoptive mom that I have a hole in my chest and asking her how can I fill it. I don’t think I ever figured out what the answer was growing up.
I went to Phoenix World Burn Congress for the first time after I graduated from my undergraduate program. I remember being extremely shy and nervous to be around so many others like myself. I couldn’t help but observe and feed off from the love that was swarming in the air. There was a moment where I recognized that I had to trust myself in order to be open to trust others. By the end of that week, I had made a new circle of friends.
I went to two Phoenix World Burn Congresses after my first and each time I gained more confidence. I got inspired watching others make a difference and seeing the endless support everyone had for each other. Unfortunately, due to the pandemic, Phoenix World Burn Congress also had to cancel its in-person event this year.

Accepting that many things have been canceled for the rest of the year, has made living very lonely. I also feel disconnected and a little bit of boredom wondering, when will this all end? When will we get our lives back? Each time I think about things that I don’t have, make me sadder and lonelier. And the hole in my chest starts to tingle again, as if I haven’t been giving myself love. I keep wondering, what if?

At the end of the film, Howl realizes he had his heart all this time, but it was in a different form. Surviving months with the pandemic, I realized that I too know the answer to where my heart has been.

It’s self-love.

The pandemic is probably the first time for everyone in the whole world to look at themselves and what they’re doing. I spent and still spending more time with my family than I ever had in years. I haven’t been able to go out and forget about things. I have to sit and deal with them directly. I’ve had numerous nights debating with family about the pandemic and current issues. I experienced way too much stress thinking about the world is falling apart and am I making enough money to pay off bills. I’ve been worrying about so much stuff that it has been breaking me down.

So…this key to filling my heart, love, I had to listen to it especially during this pandemic. If there were ever a time to love myself more, it’s now. In the earlier months, I made a schedule of the things I reminded myself to do as self-love. Those included taking a bath, pleasure reading, working out more, spending more quality time with family, and not thinking about the pandemic.

One thing that got me inspired to keep going is trying new things. I made a few goals that I want to accomplish by the end of the pandemic. Some of those are: learning French and hopefully become fluent, becoming proficient at a new craft, and baking without recipes. I have so much fun playing with my Duolingo app and making a mess in the kitchen, that the time just flies by.

When I have moments that I’m doubting myself and putting myself down, the time is slow as a snail. I hope that when you read this, that you too get an inspiration to try something new. I have a feeling that this is our new normal, so why not give it a try?